RIP Alexander

Alexander passed away. I'm so sad. I haven't stopped crying. He never got to go outside, much less leave his crib. His short life was filled with procedures, boredom and pain. I know he's in a better place. He has no pain and is with God surrounded by love which he didn't have here. I know I should be comforted, but I'm still so sad. I don't know why he had to endure what he did, but his presence in this world affected me greatly. He'll always have a special place in my heart.

Goodbye Baby Liana

Goodbye Liana

Another hard day in the NICU. B&D’s crib mate, opposite side of Alexander, Liana passed away today. It was so sudden and so sad. There was some consolation she was surrounded by family but I still wanted to wrap my arms around her mom who was understandably sobbing. She’d been there for 70+ days. Never got to go outside, probably never left her bed. When we first saw her, she was in the ‘going home crib’, but she took a turn for the worse over the weekend. It’s so shocking to have her suddenly gone. So sad, I’m still reeling.

My heart hurts

not for my own kids, but for Alexander.

He’s in the same room as B&D. He was born in April, so he’s almost 5 mos old. He brings me to tears every day. I’ve never seen his family visit.

I found out he’s most likely never going home. He’s on TPN (IV for nutrition). He can’t tolerate feeds. If he can’t eat, then he won’t last long because the liver can’t survive on TPN alone. He’s never been outside, never leaves his crib because he’s got too many hook ups. He’s 5 mos old and is alert and bored.

Today our nurse, kept him company while his nurse took her other patient for a CT. She’s had Alexander as a patient before. She didn’t pick him up, but sat him up and he just looked around and around. He was cooing, I could hear him. Finally a different view for him to look at. I was holding B&D and sobbing so hard. It was the closest Alexander’s been to being happy.

He’s labeled as a difficult baby because he cries a lot. He cries because he’s in pain or discomfort. He’s given Ativan. Nurses who care try to steer away from giving him Ativan. Other nurses have given him 11 doses in one shift. One day last week, he was so aggravated he pulled out 5 lines from his little body which had to be painfully put back in. Ugh, I saw the nurses strap him down and poke his head because they’ve run out of veins in his body.

He’s got a funny mohawk because he has several lines going into his head. The hospital won’t shave unnecessarily (they won’t cut anyone’s finger nails either) so Alexander has this crooked patch of hair running down his head.

I just want to pick him up and cuddle him. I want him to feel loved. I want him to feel the outside air. I want him to see something else besides the same view from his crib.

I don’t know how to feel better. I’ve got to pull myself together for my own kids, but Alexander is literally breaking my heart. What can I do for him? I was ready to donate my double stroller if it could be used to take him around the hospital or even outside. They need something with shelves to accommodate his feeding tubes and tanks. What’s wrong with me, why am I such a mess over this little guy?

I know our babies will come home, it’s just a matter of when. But Alexander won’t make it home. Will he ever feel skin on skin, like I do for B&D every day? Will he ever experience happiness? What can I do for him? He’s got a family, parents who called today. They just never visit. Maybe they can’t. Maybe after 5 mos, the parents had to go back to work. I think they’ve got other kids at home too. Are they keeping their distance so it’ll hurt less when he’s gone? Who cares. They should be at his bedside so he knows he’s loved. I just can’t stop crying over him. I wish I could bring him home with me.

Matty & Issy - July 4th

Can't believe it's been 4 years since our babies went to heaven. Thank you for watching over your siblings and keeping them safe. Mommy & Daddy love you and miss you so much.

Tuesday's Blog Party

Yes, it's been too long. There's much for me to update and I will soon. But my dear friend, JK, and her beautiful daughter, Tuesday has prompted to me come back before I was ready. Please visit go blog yourself and score some cool stuff for yourself and bring awareness to Pediatric Cancer because no child should suffer. please.

Now go spend some money for an amazing cause. please.

Quick update

I’m still mourning the loss of Tuesday. I think of her all the time and my heart breaks for her family. I pray for peace and comfort for them and everyone who loved Tuesday, including myself.

It’s been an emotional roller coaster for the past several weeks. I’ve struggled with life and death all within the same day. On L&B’s birthday, our surrogate was transported via helicopter to another hospital that had a NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) because we thought the babies would be born. It was also the day Tuesday passed. I experienced ranges of emotions all in one day that some experience over a lifetime.

The boys stayed put and I attended Tuesday’s service in CO. Tuesday was able to do so much in her short life and touched more people you and I will ever know, including getting a group of 23 twin moms who met online 3 years ago, to leave behind their spouses and children to be there for Tuesday and her family. The moms flew in from all over the US, and even from Meike from Honduras! It was a beautiful day, a touching celebration and a heartfelt gathering to support Tuesday’s family. I was so grateful to be a part of it.

J&T have set aside their drama and are doing well. We have a c section scheduled for Sunday, 2/22. We’re opting for surgery because Tommy is breech. Little bugger has been teasing us all along by being breech, then head down and now breech again. This will be the first time we’re away from L&B for more than a night and I’m a little anxious on how they’ll do.

There’s our quick update. I’m not sure when I’ll be back because I think things are going to be a little chaotic initially from being a family of four to a family of six.

Keep us in your thoughts and pray for a safe and healthy delivery.

ps Pics of Bree loving frosting from their birthday cake -

J&T

Those of you who received our Christmas card may wonder what or who J&T stood for in our signature line.

Here's your first glimpse of J&T -

Actually, these are all of T. J was head down and not cooperating for his photo op. We joked since they're identical twins, we've essentially seen both their faces anyway.

and J&T stands for - Jacob and Thomas.

Jacob will be known as Jack. Mike and I have always loved the name Jack. Thomas will be called Tommy. Jack & Tommy. I had suggested Jack and Bobby, but Mike nixed that immediately.

The meaning behind the names. As you know (or not), our sons have had biblical names. Matthew was our first born and now we have Luke. We wanted to continue the tradition so we chose Jacob, who was a twin born holding his brother's heel. Thomas was one of the apostles and means 'twin' in Greek.

So there you have it, Jack and Tommy. Coming soon!

Poor Santa

2007

2008

As you can see, Luke cheered up considerably on the train ride afterwards -

Hopefully it'll be easier next year!

Emo means aunt in Korean

In Korean, a maternal aunt is called 'emo'. The paternal aunts are called 'gomo'. Therefore, Mike's sisters are gomo and my sisters are emo. We call them Grace emo and Christine emo. Mike's sisters are called Auntie Ellen and Auntie Amy. There's also Auntie Karen and Auntie Amber. Ok, there's your Korean lesson for the year.

The kids and I are so lucky to have Christine emo make so many fun things for them. I won't be able to make their halloween costumes, but I'll be able to show them how to balance their checkbook. Fortunately, we'll have Christine emo ensure the kids aren't embarrassed by their costumes falling apart.

With Christmas coming up, Christine emo didn't disappoint. First she brought over the kids' their very own Christmas tree for their bedroom. It came complete with ornaments, all handmade by emo.

(little stockings with the initials 'L' and 'S' embroidered on them)

For the latest, she made these ornaments to hang on the big Christmas tree. We chose the pink and blue ones for Bree and Luke. The rest will be adopted by other happy homes.

Would you have guessed they're made from champagne corks?!?!? Looks like I have to do my part and keep drinking the bubblies!


ps Luke & Bree aren't able to say emo. Rather they call Chris and Grace - Elmo. Just like the little cartoon character on their potty seat.

Christmas Cards

It's already that time of year and I'm going through our Christmas card list. Like last year's we (meaning Mike) made our own cards. We've used PSPrint. They're awesome and so cheap. We get 500 cards for about $60 (or something like that). So if you'd like to help us get rid of some and would like to receive a card, email me your address.

I know we have some friends who lurk on here but are painfully shy at actually contacting us. Just want to let you know we miss you. Email me already with your info!

We're viable!

I'm a blogging fool right now. Shhh, don't interrupt me, you'll break my streak.

I can't go any further without a mention of the boys, tentatively named J&T at the moment. I'm completely on board, but Mike needs a little persuasion.

I spoke to our surrogate today after her biweekly appt and everything is going well. I'm so thankful we've passed the 24 week mark. The boys are now considered 'viable' in the eyes of the medical community. Which means, if anything were to happen from this moment on, they would do whatever possible to save them because now they have a better chance of surviving. Of course, I'd rather she keep on baking. I would've given anything to have Matthew & Isabel as micro preemies, but they would most likely have issues, severe issues. Right now, I pray the boys are kept safe and inside until they're ready to be born full term and healthy.

Highlights from our conversation -
* Their heart beats were 130 and 140 today.
* Her belly is measuring 32 weeks, even though she's only 24 weeks.
* She's gained 7lbs in the last 4 weeks.
* Apparently they're going thru a growth spurt and fattening up. (I can't but help think we're the wicked witches fattening up Hansel & Gretel.)
* They're kicking on both sides of her.

Best news yet, we're going up for her 26 week appt with the perinatologist. We're super excited to see her and the boys. Since the peri has a 3D ultra sound machine, I'm hoping we'll get some good pics of them!

For Rent

My kids are totally into ride-on toys. If I could, I'd get them every type of car/tractor/wagon/catepillar out there. Seriously, they love them!

Imagine my reaction when I set my eyes on these beauties -

That's right, they're mini coopers for kids! How cool would that be?!?!? But alas, I cannot justify spending $160 PER CAR and I would have to get 2 too. But what if we bought them and then rented them out? Just think, your cutie-patootie could be sitting in his/her very own mini cooper for the week! Imagine the photo ops! The happiness on your kid's face! And best of all, not having to store it after the week is over!

This could be your pea-pod right here -

In the meantime, L&B will have to make do with their 'not-so-cool' little tykes 'mobile.

Thanksgiving and That Dress

We celebrated the kids' 2nd Thanksgiving at Grandma & Grandpa's house. As usual, the food was fantastic and this year we had not one, but TWO deep fried turkeys!
And unlike like last year, the kids were in relatively good health (minus the stomach bug and diarrhea). Still it was a fabulous day and one of my favorite holidays!

We also dressed the kids up for the holiday. I can't believe how big and handsome Luke is getting -

Then there's beautiful Brina. What's going on with that dress you ask? Well, it was a gift from Grandma J. It's not really my cup of tea nor Mike's. But I had an epiphany and realized Grandma J really loved the dress. When she gave it to me, she was hesistant not sure how I'd react. I didn't say anything immediately and took it home. Even though I wouldn't have picked it out myself, I'm glad Grandma got to see her favorite dress on her granddaughter. The more I thought about it, I realized what harm would it be to us and yet what happiness would it bring to Grandma. Just a thought I had and something you might want to keep in mind when you get that handmade/knitted gift from Aunt Beatrice.

Preemies Awareness Day

Ok, this is a cause that's very close to my heart. Please take the time and sign the petition to the right. Thank you!

Premature Birth is Still on the Rise

The March of Dimes speaks up for babies every day -- and on Prematurity Awareness Day, we make sure even the smallest babies are heard.

The March of Dimes has released a Premature Birth Report Card for the nation and every state. We scored a D overall because the number of babies born too soon in our country is 60 percent higher than the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services' Healthy People 2010 objective of 7.6 percent. State-by-state grades are also available in the Report Card. Visit March of Dimes and find out how your state measures up.

For the past few weeks, we've been asking everyone to sign our online Petition for Preemies and help us send a message to our newly elected local and national officials. Thousands of caring people have already responded. If you were one of them, thank you for your support! If you missed it, go to marchofdimes.com/petition. Don't forget, you can sign up for advocacy alerts to make sure you won't miss any opportunities in your area and nationally.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

36 hours, 3 birthdays, 300+ miles

I just love a nasty virus that set us back for weeks. No fix it program was able to get rid of it. Instead, we had to wipe out the entire laptop and start over. Between saving everything and then reinstalling everything, it took forever. But now it’s as good as new and hopefully, we’re back on track.

As you can tell by the title of the post, we had an extremely busy weekend. in just under 2 days, we had 3 birthday parties for 5 kids. The ages ranged from two 2 yrs old, a 3 ½ yr old (we were celebrating the half birthday), a 4 yr old and a 5 yr old. Not only that, but the parties were all over the place and we drove over 300 miles. And if that wasn't enough, we manage to squeeze in two dentist appointments as well. Nothing like getting your teeth cleaned for all the sugar.

But it was all totally worth it. We got to see friends, the kids got to play. We got to eat food that was good for us, and more importantly – food that wasn’t good for us. We got cake, ice cream, dolmas and sushi. The kids tried out a trampoline and found out they love bounce houses (guess what they're going to have for their 2nd birthday). Luke had his first PBJ sandwich and made a friend.

First birthday were our friends, M&F. They turned 2 and all our local twin friends were able to attend. It was an ice cream themed party, and we loved it!

Our second party was a sushi making one. L&B are too young, but it was still fun to watch (and get ideas for future birthday themes). Kids don't know how to jump yet, but loved the trampoline.

Our last birthday had the coolest bounce house. Once the big kids were gone, L&B had a blast. The birthday boy also took it upon himself to be a big brother to Luke.

[Blog Tip]
Occasionally, blogging for me is hard. The thought of going thru the hundreds of photos and selecting a few, uploading them and then writing about it is sometimes daunting. Fortunately, my friend Sharlene, suggested Picasa 3 which has made the process easier. If you haven’t tried it yet, you really should. Now if only they’d invent the automatic cutest-picture-eyes-aren’t-closed-selector program…

Baby Mama

Thanks for all the well wishes and congratulatory comments/emails from our last post. It’s great to be able to finally share the news, because we’re obviously over the moon.

I’ll also mention I’m not pregnant, our surrogate is. Didn’t see that one coming, eh? As mentioned in my bio, I had a complicated pregnancy and a complicated delivery. I’m so thankful L&B were born perfectly healthy and required no NICU, but I’m also unable to be pregnant again. That was really rough to accept, but I’ve had some time to come to terms with it. And to be honest, I’m thankful I’m able to play with my kids, run after them, pick them up and have them crawl all over me because if I were pregnant we wouldn’t be able to and not for a long time. We also have an incredible surrogate who’s just as excited and so happy for us.

If you’re wondering how we know there are two, here’s the very first ultrasound pic.

Now WE were thrown off because we transferred 2 embryos and expected twins, however only 1 embryo took AND THEN SPLIT. See how they’re in the same sac. I have to admit I think it’s really cool to have identical twins. One of my favorite movies when I was a kid was Parent Trap, except I’d always wished I was the ID twin. I think having ID twins is the next best thing.

According to an online due date calculator, the babies should be 12 ½ weeks now. At Tuesday’s ultrasound, they were measuring at 12+6 and 13 weeks. So we’re off to a great start. Better yet, the first trimester will soon be behind us!

Btw, I haven’t seen the movie with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I’m a little apprehensive on how surrogacy is portrayed. Obviously, it’s a subject matter that’s very personal and I don’t want to be upset or offended. If you’ve seen it, you can tell me how it was. I don’t mind you giving away details. Yes, I’m like Harry and will read the last page first.

Coming Home

We just got word from Tuesday's mom, JK.

TUESDAY'S COMING HOME!

It's so unbelievable and we're so grateful.

We couldn't be happier for Tuesday and her incredible family.

There are a bunch of people doing the happy dance right now.

Breaking News

Ok, family has been told as well as (most of) our close friends. I think I can finally make the announcement.

WE’RE EXPECTING!

Yup, you read right. There will be more jansta eggis. Wait, did you say eggis? As in plural? As in more than one?

Yup

WE’RE EXPECTING TWINS!

AGAIN!

OMG

Discovery Science Center

In my quest to take advantage of all things free to kids 2 and under, we went to the Discovery Science Center. If you've ever driven on the 5 freeway in So Cal, it's the gigantic cube teetering on the edge of the freeway.

The best part of our visit was that we got in free too! Thanks to Bank of America's Museum on Us promotion, we saved $26 on adult admissions! People, if you bank with BOA, you have to take advantage of this promo! I don't think many people do as no one else presented their BOA card at the ticket window. Tsk, tsk.




Just the girls in our Tuesday tshirts.

The first exhibit we checked out was Animal Grossology. Not surprisingly, Bree didn't like it (she is, afterall, her mother's daughter). Luke didn't mind it as much, although he was cautious. Here he is as far away possible (but curious) from the poop exhibit -


Bob the Builder - Project: Build It exhibit upstairs was more to their liking -

Magnetic blocks which made stacking fun and easy...


Driving with Scoop the Digger


Dad helping figure out Bob's tools.


Our future architect...


and construction worker!


Kids had a blast pushing buttons on the Talkie Talkie and hearing the famous catch phrases.


In front of Wendy's Caravan.


There's my girl, laying stones on the wall. The miniature wheel barrow was too cute.


Surveying the vegetable garden.

Another fun day. So much so the kids are going on 3 hours of nap time! I need to wake them up or else they'll never fall asleep tonight.

ps If you like the Tuesday tshirts the kids and I are wearing, please click here or on the second Tuesday button on the left side of the blog. There are shirts for men, Mike's was in the hamper :-( All profits from the sale go to Tuesday's family to help with their medical expenses. Happy shopping!